I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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