I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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