The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.