Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.