her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
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I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?