Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"