i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
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Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.