I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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