1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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