I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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