It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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