Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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