I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
either way he was missing a nipple.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina