You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.