finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
