so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
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Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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