I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she smelled like a LAN party
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
