Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
