I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.