someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.