An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
