Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
