while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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