I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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