My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
