Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
