i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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