Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
