I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize