I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
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He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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