she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia