i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i believe in u and ur pee
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?