dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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