When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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