i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.