There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.