When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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