I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
