maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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