Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
