im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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