So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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