please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
