I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
