I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"