hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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