When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
