Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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