Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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