The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.