I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.