There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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