I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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