Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
