i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
