from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
please don't ironically join a cult
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