No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
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he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.