I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
